Sunday, July 17, 2016

#selepasduabulanlebihkurangtambahtolakdarabbahagikemudiannya

Greetings.

I feel like in need of space and time to rant everything, but I don't really know what the heck am I gonna rant about. I just happen to feel that way. I fucked up. Really.

That fucking moment when you fucking doubted your fucking self, are you really gonna fucking do this? *sorry for the fucks, it just felt more satisfying when expressing things so, yeah* Chemistry? Or are you actually having a bigger and far more interest and also passion in Islamic studies?

I really do missed Arabic language, Syari'ah Islamiah and Quran sunnah, so much. Bila dah tak belajaq semua tu kadang2 rasa macam jauh dari agama pun ada gak. Quran pun dah jarang murajaah, malunya bernafas atas muka bumi free2 ja macam ni. Pft. I hated myself for some reasons, huks.

Rasa macam bebas sangat hidup kat Lenggong ni. Kan kc? Rasa nak buat, buat, rasa malaih, haram tak buat. Lol. You don't have your own schedule, that's why. Zaman ke-futur-an kembali nampaknya, or sebenarnya zaman tu masih berjalan, daripada zaman kat maktab, bawak ke zaman kerja, bawak ke sekarang? Tudia trivia. Allahu. Tapi kalau buat jadual pun, nahhai punya la baloq nak buat satu pun. Tengok saja ah la ni, aku dok meroyan kat sini, homeworks satu pun aku tak sentuh. Hang nak jadi apa ni kc? Hidup buat apa lah kalau dok buat perangai lagu ni. Haihhhh sakai.

Sumpah la I don't feel like I'm belonged here. I don't feel like I'm destined to be here, or what not. Pfft. Belajaq maths balik buat aku rasa betapa lembab dan boddddddohnya kepala hotak aku ni berjalan. When others keeps on gaining, I don't feel the same. The only feeling was being dumb and dumber. Wtfish. Maths, one thing. English? Taktau nak kata apa, my TOEFL results are not satisfying myself. I don't feel secure with the results, yet the exam's just around the corner, 27th August. It's about, a month more less? Oh myyyyyyy, I'm feeling so demotivated by now. Requirement 90/120 to fly for TOEFL while 1200/1600 for SAT. For the past TOEFL practise, 80-77-85-87-94. Ya allah, rasa cam nak mati je tengok result sendiri pastu tengok result orang lain. Haaaaaaa go die la kc. Huaaaaa

);

 Maths punya 1st quiz, boleh gagah. Mai ja 2nd topic, haa menggagau. Result tak kluaq lagi dah bleh agak kata aku fail. Wtfish. Ni semua baru rant pasai akademik ja ni tak rant pasai love life dgn surrounding dengan peers lagi haaaaa brapa panjang taktau ah satni jadi dia. Ergggghhh rasa serabut takyah baca ah pi main jauh2. Huhuhu. Masuk bab peers. Awat nak down dengan peers?

1. Most of 'em are BKP's, especially BWP.
2. Result depa semua gempak2 wehhhhhh pakat straight A's. Dah la straight A's, A+ bersepah pulak tu.
3. Depa semua speaking hebat2 weh mau aku tak insecure duduk dengan depa ni. Ngaaaaa sakai
4. Pakat2 otak cekang maths. Memang boleh mati kalau dengaq hat sama2 otai sembang pasai maths, aku tak exaggerate, benda betoi. Tobat lahom benda betoi. Boleh bayang kot, kalau orang sembang pasai benda lain, depa sembang, pasai MATHEMATICS. Set2 boleh bawak keluaq soalan tak payah tengok kitab, jawab soalan tak pakai kalkulator ni ya allah.
5. Makhluk2 rajin sentiasa tanpa gagal setiap masa tiada had. Pandai2 interprete. Aku malaih nak explain.

Aku sumpah dok nampak depa semua ataih pada aku. Takdak ruang weh nak mencelah. 😭😭😭😭

Love life? Amboi. Masuk ja madpp teruih ada love life. Awat selama ni tadak pernah ada pun? Okay tajuk ni bahaya sikit, explicit. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA bodo kc. Tadak ah, biasa la bab hati. Macam biasa jugak, manusia datang dan pergi. Tapi kali ni mcm laju pulak hat mai pastu pi ni. Main perasaan betul. Tapi dia stop, pastu kadang2 dia kacau balik seminit dua. Nampak dak complicated dia kat situuuuuuu pft. Belajaq la kc weh, hahaha. Bongok. Balik us kawen lah kalut pa 👊👊👊 Eh, salah2. Sampai jodoh kawen ah kalut padia. Haaa baru betoi. Lol. Aku rasa nak tikam diri sendiri bila bukak bab ni. Mohon diri sendiri berhenti segera sebelum kena tikam sungguh dari dalam, mau naya kot dok tak duduk pisau kot dalam tembuih keluaq. Bodo woi stop la. HAHAHAHAHA

Nak buat homework, tapi lapaq. Tapi malaih. Tapi baloq. Tapiiiiii tadak orang nak motivate. Makin lama makin ngada weh, apa nak jadi niiiii haaaaaaaaa. Tapi en weh, aku sumpah kadang2 ada urge nak keluaq MADPP. Kadang2 rasa nyesai pun ada gak masuk sini, kadang2 rasa nyesai tak keluaq pi masuk uia, sambung asasi arab. Benda minat, lain weh. Minat kimia macam berkurang ja masuk sini. Ya allahhhhh apa aku dah buat dalam hidup ni haaaaaa 😭😭😭 Teriak jugak satgi ni punca ja. Dah la esok jadual packed nak mati.

0830 - 1030 : English
1100 - 1300 : Maths
1430 - 1630 : Maths
2000 - 2200 : PAI

Dak la ni bila masa hang nak start buat keja ni? *lari bukak module madpp*

Monday, April 25, 2016

#soontobedeleted

I don't know why the heck I am doing this rant rn.

You don't even show that you have any interest to know what's my progress or situation or condition rn, not a single thing. I felt left out by you. So much. Yeah that we don't have any connection or relationship tho. Sedih siot. You're one of the person I told soon after I got the offer, and I'm about to go this 3rd May. When I said that I was going on 30th April, and I wouldn't be around that 1st May kenduri kat rumah Along, you react like you don't even care that I at least had hoped to see you before I pursue my studies. But then, I received the new info that it was postponed till Tuesday, and i told you that news, you replied 6 hours later saying that you've got connection problems, and I waited till now, seems like the connection problem hasn't ended eventhough your whatsapp last seen was just a few minutes ago. This is so sad. The only person who's been keeping the feelings was me alone since before. Since dulu, it was me alone. Kan? You're different, you're so special to me. That's why. And I don't even know how to explain those feelings. At times I thought that I've gone through everything and moved on, but I didn't. Sedihnya. Kenapa aku jadi childish sgt eh? Sebab benda macam ni ja?

Sebab you matter, you're important to me. But I ain't to you, kan? I'm better off alone. Rasanya lah. Sebab, yelah, I don't even matter. Thanks for everything. Aku tahu kau tak berniat pun, selalu macam tu kan. Kau takpernah berniat apa-2. Hati kau dah kosong, dah tak ada ruang untuk aku lagi dah. Sebab dah takde pape pun kan skrg. Aku wujud ke tak ke serupa je skrg. Kalau aku sedih, terasa dengan kau pun, kau takkan ada. Takkan. Ergh, sampai bila agaknya baru aku boleh terima hakikat ni.

Since tahun lepas, benda ni tak habis habis lagi. Time spm lagi lah, aku broke down macam mayat hidup. Aku study macam tak study. Jawab exam pun tringat macam2. Alhamdulillah la result, sebab sumpah aku cakap, aku sendiri tak expect result aku macam tu, sebab hanya Allah, dan hanya aku seorang tahu apa yang aku rasa dan fikir sepanjang aku jawab exam tu. Otak aku bukannya betul sangat, but nobody cares, nobody gives a shit. Pandai sangat blakon okay pun makan hati jugak. Betullah macam kau cakap dulu, aku ni pretty pathetic. Yay.

All I ever wanted was for you to show, something, anything, that I meant something in your life, atleast. Theres no spark in our conversations anymore, nothing. Everything has changed. Everything. But I'm still here waiting for some stupid fantasy to come true. Koyak brapa kali pun hati aku, sampai sekarang aku still tunggu. Penat macam mana pun hati aku, sampai sekarang aku still tunggu. Sakitnya. Kadang2 rasa bodoh. Rasa tak guna buat macam2, tapi kenapa aku masih ada feelings like this. Kenapa aku masih tunggu benda yang takkan hadir? Ergh

Kau datang balik lepas gap sebulan tu pun sebab aku meroyan dekat twitter, dekat blog, dekat asefem. Kalau aku private semua, especially twitter aku, agak2 kau nak muncul balik ke tak eh? Mesti kau ingat aku okay, aku bahagia je aku lepak happy2 je hidup aku tanpa kau kan? Aku rant dekat twitter, aku tak pernah harap, aku takpernah terdetik pun harap yang kau akan stalk, sebab tu aku rant dekat situ. Aaaaaaaaaaaa otak dah gelong yayyyyyy seronoknya.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

#littledoyouknow


Little do you know
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I'm still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece

Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time

I'll wait, I'll wait
I love you like you've never felt the pain,
I'll wait
I promise you don't have to be afraid,
I'll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

Little do you know
I know you're hurting while I'm sound asleep
Little do you know
All my mistakes are slowly drowning me
Little do you know
I'm trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know
I, I love you 'til the sun dies

Oh wait, just wait
I love you like I've never felt the pain,
Just wait
I love you like I've never been afraid,
Just wait
Our love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

I'll wait, I'll wait
I love you like you've never felt the pain,
I'll wait
I promise you don't have to be afraid,
I'll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me
Lay your head on me
So lay your head on me

'Cause little do you know
I, I love you 'til the sun dies

-Alex & Sierra

Sunday, March 20, 2016

#karnivalpendidikanMARA2016

Assalamualaikum.

Haiyah! Peh, rabak mata aku harini. Why? Okay, begini alkisah hikayatnya.

     Bayangkan kau tidur around lepas subuh, then kau jaga pukul 9 lebih and setel hand over some things, pastu kau sambung tidur sampai pukul 10.45 and bangun siap-siap pergi SCM sebab janji dengan members at 1100hrs plus minus jumpa kat sana.

     Sleeping less than 5 hours then you go to #karnivalpendidikanMARA2016 for the 2nd time sebab kemarin dah pergi tapi dengan Mama and Abah pastu rasa macam tak happening sangat kemarin pun surrounding pun kelam semacam so harini pergi lagi sekali dengan another 8 girls kesayangan uhuk uhuk. Pehhh, boleh bayangkan kot betapa aku struggle untuk tidak menampakkan wajah sleepy rabak tak cukup tidur aku tu masa spend time dengan kesayangan-kesayangan saya semua tadi. Hahaha

     Tahu apa aku buat? Benda biasa, aku mula buat bising dan tiada istilah quiet and listen without interupting in a proper way langsung. 1st thing aku buat was greet Selamat Datang kuat2 and welcomed myself and the others dekat pintu depan Sunway Carnival Convention Centre gaya aku greet customers masuk kedai masa kerja kat Oldtown dulu *ceh, macam dah lama sgt ja brenti keja padahal baru seminggu* Dah la tengah makan waffles sebab tak sempat breakfast pastu lapar macam apa ja tak senonoh sungguh lahai kc. Hahahaha bongok.

       Pastu memang aku cakap banyak gila, well, better lah aku tanya macam-macam sebab aku bukannya tanya benda tadak kaitan macam tiba-tiba aku tanya kenapa langit itu biru dan rumput itu hijau punya soalan bagai kan. Memang aku tanya la course ni study apa, accomodation, fees, financial supports, future carrier yang berkaitan semua tu memang aku rasa macam aku lah manusia paling tak berhenti cakap kat situ entahlah kalau perasan sorang2 padahal takpun tu aku taktahu la kan. Kah!

     Pastu tadi macam booth2 semua hidup tak kelam macam kemarin pun peh nasib baik pergi lagi sekali. Memang harini aku apply ja mana aku rasa bleh apply, huhuhu. Rezeki masing-masing kan? Memang aku banyak aim asasi kalau boleh, aku nak habis study cepat nak kerja nak support family tu ja aim paling clear yang aku ada sekarang. Ahuhuhu. Whatever uni or college or institute I wouldn't care much kot rasanya as long as I can pursue my studies. Hm.

       So sad rn. Why? Takdelah, hm. Tadi, after pergi edufair tu me and the girls lagi 5 orang watched Kung Fu Panda 3. At first katanya nak tengok Boboiboy The Movie pastu tak jadi sebab seat penuh tinggal seat depan pastu seat kosong yg tinggal pun berselerak so tak best then they decided to watch KFP 3 and diorang tak tahu aku dah tengok dah pun ekceli haritu. Hahaha, but sokay, sebab masa tengok haritu pun aku tak fokus sangat. *ahem* K, so what caused hati galau sasau angau pulak dah ni? Pasal seat and hall. Hm, sebab aku tak ada masa diorang beli tiket. Masuk ja hall, tengok2 seat, then I remembered something.

     Immediately I took out my wallet and there it is. The ticket from the movie Deadpool last February. I am sitting at the same seat, in the same hall. ... ... ...

Rasa nak menangis tah kenapa tak tahu kbye.

Friday, March 4, 2016

#resultspm2015

I just hoped that you're there when I wanted to rant about today. My results're fine, alhamdulillah. But so many other things happen that I wanna tell you, I wanna share 'em with you. But then, I forgot. Yep. I'd forgotten that you have your responsibilities to fulfil. Other things to take care of. You have your explainations. My bad. And I'm broken into pieces like hell bcs of myself. Don't make today as another bad mark? Na. It already had left bad markS. Yay for me. Tired of crying. Thanks for caring. I won't bother asking you anything anymore after this. Maybe I'll just send some goodnight wishes. Thanks. I can't be fine, you know? 3rd of March left scars. A lot.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

#kerja

Mula dengan kerja, aku mula nampak realiti dunia luar maktab macam mana. MasyaAllah, scary. Selama ni aku duduk dalam maktab, makanya, alhamdulillah la tidak ada yang extreme melampau-lampau.

Tapi, aku tak cakap yang kat luar maktab ni extreme melampau semuanya ye, pls. Cuma kini, sedikit je lah aku tau memang sikit sangat pasal dunia luar. Sungguh, kau duduk dalam dunia maktab, kau belum kenal dunia luar. Prepare je lah diri sendiri tu. Aku yang baru jumpak baru kena baru nampak baru rasa SIKIT pun dah macam, "Huaaaa, takutnyaaaaaa apa semua ni nak balik hua," tu. 
                                        
Tapi, kalau aku stop, aku lari, aku blah, aku menyorok, sampai bila aku nak buat macam tu, kan? Tak dinafikan, ramai lagi makhluk dari alam maktab yg belum dengan dunia luar. Serius guys, cuba intai dunia luar. Aku sayang kawan-kawan aku, thats why aku cakap macam ni. 

Paling penting, nak kuatkan pegangan agama tu, amatlah menggugat kesabaran kalau manusia macam aku yang mudah terpengaruh nih ha. Memang merasa la macam mana nak bawak diri, macam mana nak selesaikan problem, macam mana nak handle kesalahan diri sendiri, kesalahan orang lain kadang kadang, macam mana nak hidup, even pengalaman aku kerja baru mencecah seminggu. Ya, aku tahu, aku sedikit culture shock dengan dunia luar. Bukan semua orang jahat, bukan semua orang pun baik jugak. Huhu. Tapi, aku sedaya upaya nak kuatkan diri untuk hadapi dunia sekarang ni. 

Ayat "Lepas ni dah tak ada yang nak kejan suruh solat, suruh mengaji suruh itu suruh ini bab agama bab akidah bab jaga ikhtilat semua," tu aku dah mula rasa. Ni baru sikit wehhh (_ _") Tah nanti masuk uni ke masuk kolej mana-mana lagi lha macam-macam jenis aku jumpa. MasyaAllah, takutnya. And yes, I need strength from close families and friends. Serious. Bantu aku andai aku tersesat andai aku menyimpang andai aku menongkah arus hakiki. Aku takut. Doakan aku.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

#oneday

Assalamualaikum.

     I pray,
That one day,
You will give your heart to someone,
That will hold it tight and never let it go.
That one day,
The battle is over,
And you have won.
That one day,
You finally realise that someone,
Who tried the best to make you know,
How much you're important in her life.