Monday, April 25, 2016

#soontobedeleted

I don't know why the heck I am doing this rant rn.

You don't even show that you have any interest to know what's my progress or situation or condition rn, not a single thing. I felt left out by you. So much. Yeah that we don't have any connection or relationship tho. Sedih siot. You're one of the person I told soon after I got the offer, and I'm about to go this 3rd May. When I said that I was going on 30th April, and I wouldn't be around that 1st May kenduri kat rumah Along, you react like you don't even care that I at least had hoped to see you before I pursue my studies. But then, I received the new info that it was postponed till Tuesday, and i told you that news, you replied 6 hours later saying that you've got connection problems, and I waited till now, seems like the connection problem hasn't ended eventhough your whatsapp last seen was just a few minutes ago. This is so sad. The only person who's been keeping the feelings was me alone since before. Since dulu, it was me alone. Kan? You're different, you're so special to me. That's why. And I don't even know how to explain those feelings. At times I thought that I've gone through everything and moved on, but I didn't. Sedihnya. Kenapa aku jadi childish sgt eh? Sebab benda macam ni ja?

Sebab you matter, you're important to me. But I ain't to you, kan? I'm better off alone. Rasanya lah. Sebab, yelah, I don't even matter. Thanks for everything. Aku tahu kau tak berniat pun, selalu macam tu kan. Kau takpernah berniat apa-2. Hati kau dah kosong, dah tak ada ruang untuk aku lagi dah. Sebab dah takde pape pun kan skrg. Aku wujud ke tak ke serupa je skrg. Kalau aku sedih, terasa dengan kau pun, kau takkan ada. Takkan. Ergh, sampai bila agaknya baru aku boleh terima hakikat ni.

Since tahun lepas, benda ni tak habis habis lagi. Time spm lagi lah, aku broke down macam mayat hidup. Aku study macam tak study. Jawab exam pun tringat macam2. Alhamdulillah la result, sebab sumpah aku cakap, aku sendiri tak expect result aku macam tu, sebab hanya Allah, dan hanya aku seorang tahu apa yang aku rasa dan fikir sepanjang aku jawab exam tu. Otak aku bukannya betul sangat, but nobody cares, nobody gives a shit. Pandai sangat blakon okay pun makan hati jugak. Betullah macam kau cakap dulu, aku ni pretty pathetic. Yay.

All I ever wanted was for you to show, something, anything, that I meant something in your life, atleast. Theres no spark in our conversations anymore, nothing. Everything has changed. Everything. But I'm still here waiting for some stupid fantasy to come true. Koyak brapa kali pun hati aku, sampai sekarang aku still tunggu. Penat macam mana pun hati aku, sampai sekarang aku still tunggu. Sakitnya. Kadang2 rasa bodoh. Rasa tak guna buat macam2, tapi kenapa aku masih ada feelings like this. Kenapa aku masih tunggu benda yang takkan hadir? Ergh

Kau datang balik lepas gap sebulan tu pun sebab aku meroyan dekat twitter, dekat blog, dekat asefem. Kalau aku private semua, especially twitter aku, agak2 kau nak muncul balik ke tak eh? Mesti kau ingat aku okay, aku bahagia je aku lepak happy2 je hidup aku tanpa kau kan? Aku rant dekat twitter, aku tak pernah harap, aku takpernah terdetik pun harap yang kau akan stalk, sebab tu aku rant dekat situ. Aaaaaaaaaaaa otak dah gelong yayyyyyy seronoknya.

3 comments:

Kata2 hikmat dari anda???